Tonight I finally picked up my crystal ball that I bought for my birthday last month and peered into it.  I have no idea how one uses a crystal ball, but I was drawn to them when I held one for the first time a few months ago.  Tonight I held it and just let my eyes lose focus for a few moments, and I found myself running through grass that was as taller than my waist.  Some of the grass had tall spikes that whipped against my face as I ran, and I realized I was covered in scratches and cuts that oozed as I made my way across the field toward something I needed to reach in order to be safe.  I had no idea what I was running from, and truth to tell I didn’t feel terrified as I would have expected in this situation.

Then I noticed as I looked back that nothing appeared to be behind me, but I couldn’t account for my appearance in this deep field of grass or my feeling of a need to run toward wherever I was headed.  I saw no structures or beings anywhere in sight but still felt the urge to move forward as fast as possible, and the urge was strong enough to keep me running despite the whipping my arms and face were taking as I waded through the reeds.  I searched the horizon only to find myself still puzzled as to why I kept moving forward, and I glanced behind me again to no avail.  I was breathing heavily by now, and I tried to slow down to catch my breath.  I felt I needed to figure out where I was, why I was running, and where I was trying to end up before I used all my energy to reach some unknown goal, so I forced myself to stop and look around a bit.

There was only tall grass all the way to the horizon in all directions it seemed, but then I saw something at the edge of the grass in front of me.  It wasn’t a particular shape or color that appealed to me, but I felt a wonderful sense of peace when I looked at it.  It felt “right” and I wanted to be where it was badly, and I realized that I wasn’t running away from anything.  Instead I was now running toward something that felt right and peaceful,  joyous and wonderous to me.  It was an odd feeling to know I wasn’t running from anything from the first time in my life, but instead running toward something I wanted badly.

I considered resting a bit and thinking about my life and choices to see if they fit what I would think was the “norm” before I resumed my journey, but I felt myself sigh with the tiresomeness of that whole idea.  I had worked through so many events and issues, struggled through so many jungles, trekked up so many mountains in my life, and watched so many people struggling alongside me that I realized I was finished struggling with the past and truly tired of it.  This “it” that was the tiny speck on the horizon wasn’t the end of my journey or the answer to every question I had ever asked, but it instead was the beginning of my path forward.

I can’t answer for anyone else, but for right now I know that I am ready to stand back up and run toward that speck, and although I don’t know all the details and won’t until I actually get wherever I am going, I don’t mind the wind whipping the grass against my face along the way.  I will run forward until I find I need to stop and rest a moment and then will get back up and run joyously again, and I estimate it will take me the rest of my life to get there.  I am alive in a way I haven’t been before and ready to spread my arms and run in the sun.  Running toward something is much less exhausting than running away from everything and a lot more fun, so off I go!

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 20th, 2010 at 1:23 pm and is filed under Journeys, Meditations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.